What is a douchebag? We're glad you asked. A douchebag is a person who has surpassed all levels of jerk, idiot, loser, thief, liar or the like and therefore elevated themselves to the exalted title of DOUCHEBAG.
Every day there's a douchebag who out does another douchebag in their doucheness.
Here we post the douchest douchebags of the day. We recognize that we're not experts in doucheness so your suggestions are always welcome.
Check back often for updates.
Ok so we know we're just a tiny little blog read by our close friends and mothers and we know that last week we announced a tradition here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY where Friday we would forgo any douchebaggery and concentrate instead on funny, loving, non-douchey videos in honor of the coming weekend. Well today is going to be a teenie-tinsey little different. Observe two videos for your viewing pleasure.
The first is the very NOT douchey Representative Anthony Weiner ripping Republicants a new one for voting NO on a bill that would have provided free health-care for the 9/11 first responders. You know, the people that ran into a burning, crashing, smoking, exploding building TWICE to save our assess. Yeah, the Republicants don't care that they risked their lives and are now facing all kinds of unexplainable illnesses due to being at Ground Zero and desperately need health-care. I'll let the Congressman explain. You will love this video just below. Underneath that video, well it's called "The Deer Stole My Wife" I'll let you watch and see. Enjoy the videos and enjoy the non-douchery and enjoy your weekend loved ones!
Yeesh! We like totally intended to drop the whole group/corporate thing today but then Target had to go be all douchey and shit. So what's the scoop?
Seems our friends at Target Corporate think its just fine and dandy to market to the Gays to buy their cheap designer clothes, hire the Lesbians to manage their stores and generally pander to the gay gene to drop bucket loads of money in their hundreds of thousands of stores around the world while using our hard earn duckets to fund anti-gay campaigns like that of wanna-be Governor Tom Emmer. Gasp! What! Huh!? But I thought Target was all diverse-like and diverse oriented and inclusive and lovey-dovey. Just take a look at their FAKE and DOUCHEY website where the Chairman, President and CEO (can one person be all those things?) Gregg Steinhafel writes a pretty letter about how Target is proud of their diversity. Check it out HERE. Gross right? Wait. You didn't read it? Lazy. Well here's a quote. "At Target, diversity is much more than a goal or campaign. It’s a core value we integrate into every area of our business — from our suppliers, to our teams, to the shopping experience in our stores. We foster an inclusive culture that allows our high-performing and diverse team to drive innovation. " - Gregg Steinhafel Well maybe he's not a liar. He didn't mention that they include in their diversity, supporting the LGBT community politically. 'Cause they don't. They support bigotry and hatred. They support Tom Emmer who actively campaigns against the LGBT community and is strongly against marriage equality. You heard us. He not only campaigns against marriage equality but against evil things like LGBT couples fostering children or receiving death benefits. No really. Here's a douchey blip from the douchebag's efforts, courtesy of the Minnesota Independent. "In many instances, Emmer has tried to change language in bills to that same-sex couples cannot benefit. In a bill to create standards around surrogate motherhood, Emmer attempted to replace the word “parents” with the words “mother and father.” In a wrongful death bill this session, Emmer questioned the use of the term “domestic partner” just as he has in bills aimed at providing benefits for same-sex partners."
So why isn't Tom DOUCHEBAG Emmer our favorite douchebag today you ask? Well because we get to choose and you don't. Besides, idiot-douches like Emmer wouldn't be where they were if douche-corps like Target didn't support them financially. You see douche-spies, politicians need money to run for office, lots of money and Target gave Emmer One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND DOUCHE DOLLARS. That's a lot of Merona dresses and Converse shoes.
So what do we do now? Well if you're like this fabulous very NOT douchey Grandma, you stage a one-woman (one powerful woman) boycott. You absolutely have to, must, watch this video. It is required by the by-laws of DOUCHEBAG DAILY. Watch it now and be amazed. Right?! We told you. Great video. So you could do like she did and buy a bunch of crap made in China and then return it and tell them why. Or you could just stop shopping there altogether and phone corporate douche headquarters at 1.800.440.0680 and tell them they suck ass for giving money to people who want to stop other people from having loving families. Maybe don't use the word "ass" 'cause they're all corporatey and stuff. Just say sucks coolie. Or you could organize a local boycott in your area and show up at Tar-douche-get with signs and stuff and yell cool things like "Get your hands off our Gays!" or you know, better ones. Anyhoo, there you go getting us off topic again...
Bring out the sell-out designers, line up the Chinese workers, let's give these folks an announcement they'll never forget. Here goes. Today Target Stores, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
You might be asking why on earth are we so focused on entities or companies this week instead of individuals. Well, maybe we're making a point that groups can be douchebags too and maybe it's none of your God damned business. Sorry, still getting that first cup of coffee down. Today's DOUCHEBAG DAILY is going to be quick, not because we're lazy (we are) or because we don't have much to say (we can talk for hours) but because it's really easy to make this point in just a few lines of text. Here goes...
OK, we have more to say. Why is this movie studio that is barely hanging on to their own existence, hemming and hawing over a financial restructuring? They've got talented executives in place. We know they know how to market a film. They've got some great ideas about comedy. Seriously if you haven't seen this movie stop reading and go rent it NOW.
And while we're at it, why doesn't our favorite studio, SONY jump in there already, with enough cash to close the deal? Why are we asking all these douchey questions? Because we want our beloved BOND franchise back. That's why.
That's right. BOND is flailing in the wind because MGM can't close a deal. Who exactly at MGM is to blame? How the hell should we know. All we care about is getting that next BOND film up and running. But word earlier this month that "BOND 23" as it's currently known, had been canceled really got us crying in our martini glass. Apparently Oscar winner Sam Mendes was all ready and BONDY to get started with his take on the Brit Agent and we're betting Sam would have done a not-douchey job of it. In fact we're betting he would have elevated this successful franchise to even higher heights. Daniel Craig apparently is still all BONDY over doing the next one so there that is... he's on board (thank God). So what's the frikin' problem MGM? Whatever the hold up we're asking you to put away your evil nemesis you and bring out the double '0' in you and close this thing. We want our BOND back! And we want him now! There that should do it. Oh wait. We forgot one thing. Bring out the marching band! Give 'JAWS' the baton. We have an announcement to make. Today MGM you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
This past weekend we had the pleasure of attending a small and intimate brunch with friends on one of the prettiest streets in Beverly Hills. There was not a single douchebag in the crowd and it was lovely. While sipping on freshly squeezed O.J. and enjoying mouth-watering vegetable quiche we decided it was time to mingle amongst the delightful guests (you know before we had to go home to our one-bedroom bungalow apartment). Eventually we settled into a seat next to a couple of adults who have been working in Hollywood for decades. We listened intently as they reminisced about the Hollywood of old. It was a time when you were on a first name basis with every person who worked at the studio where you were employed. When there were three major networks and something called a "Movie of the Week". There were no mini-majors or Internet rights. It was a time when if you worked in Hollywood it meant you worked in a smallish family of businesses often owned by families like the Disneys or the Warners or the Tischs. The only reality TV was the rare broadcasting of a documentary. In fact kiddies, there was a time that the only way to see a movie if you hadn't seen it in the theater, was to wait for the Network Television Premiere. It sounded like it was so long ago except it wasn't. We're only talking about forty years. Some of you reading this aren't even that old so to give you some perspective... if you lined up every douchebag, head to head, that lived within any forty year period they would stretch to the moon and back 147 times. That's a lot. Wait, that's the opposite of the point we were trying to make. Anyhoo...
We asked Mr. and Mrs. Hollywood of yore, what's different now? One of them looked at us, shifting his Persol's up his nose and said, "It was less corporate". That got us a-thinkin'.
If you were paying attention to the news over the weekend you may have read horrible stories about people dying at something called the Love Parade of all things. Or how about this doozy of a douchebag. There's a woman in New Yawk who dresses as an innocent nun asking for change for orphans for a charity that doesn't exist. Get this, authorities say they bring in a whopping $250,000 a year ripping New Yawk tourists off. In fact it seems she's part of a notorious cultish-fakeish-doucheish-church that has been literally raping and stealing from their New Yawk neighborhood for decades. This woman must be so proud at night when she dreams of her private room that's waiting for her in Lake Hell.
Or how about the release of 90,000 secret military papers from Wikileaks that SHOCKER contradict what we've been told is happening by our government in the war in Afghanistan. Can you believe our government has been lying to us? I'd link you to Wikileaks except they've had so much traffic that the website is down. Either that or the taskforce 373 has sniper killed all the Wikileaks folks. Read the story at the Washington Post and you'll understand what we're talking about. But you're getting us off topic. We're here to talk about another douchebag. Let's talk about Corporate America.
Now before you jump all over us for wagging our douchey smelling finger at all of Corporate America, we know that not all corpies are douchies. There are many instances where Corporate America works very well. In fact we're willing to bet that in most cases Corporate America is good for us. Good for jobs. Good for commerce. Good for the economy. Good for society. Good for philanthropy. Good for the environment... ok well probably not that one but anyway...
We aren't here to bash Corporate America as a whole...honest. In fact we've worked for a few corporations in our time. And they've got really good coffee and pretty decent dental coverage. We're here to point out the DOUCHEBAG in Corporate America. You know the one where like in the past weeks giant behemoth gigantor Wal-Mart in it's customary union busting ways, put a nice wedge between union builders and wanna-be union workers. In other words they used their giant deep pockets to create a hatred in and amongst the rank and file of the unions and others. Genius shit if you can get away with it. Create in-fighting amongst like-minded people that destroys them from within and takes the focus off of your douchebag ass. Awesome tactic. The LGBT community knows what I'm talking about.
We loved this story of douchiness today about how corporate America has found a way to finally boost profits. But it's not what you think... or maybe it is. They're cutting even more jobs in order to stay in the black. Who wins in this situation? The company executives, the board and a few major stockholders. Everyone else gets the douchey smelling shaft. Check it out here.
Or you may have read about honest, straight-forward, good dealing, BP's Cheif Tony Hayward who has made more gaffes than even Joe Biden. The little dude is stepping down in October so he can focus on polluting Russia's coastline. If you can find someone who supports BP that isn't working for them or a Republican we'll give you a dozen molasses cookies.
But the real douchebag in all of this is the overwhelming greed and want for control that erodes the brains of Wall Street honchos and Corporate Cronies once they get in the control seat. They want more power, more control, more money, more douchiness. They see blood like Jasper in Twilight and they can't control themselves. I know, lame reference, but we fucking love vampires here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY.
So what has really gotten our douchebag antenna up today? It's not BP's mishandling of the Gulf clean up. It's not Tony Hayward's "Last Comic Standing" like press conferences or TV spots. It's that BP is still running spots by some guy who says he works for them and is from the Gulf, AND they say they will pay for all the damage. What that meant to many businesses is that BP is going to pony up to pay for the devastating losses of income by thousands of locals. Fishing, tourism and oyster canning are just some of the businesses that may never recover. BP has made numerous claims that they will in fact cover this lost income. They've said over and over how they care, how they take full responsibility and how they promise that they will fix it. Except, they're not and they won't. Local papers and national news report that BP has made it so difficult to file and collect on a claim that they may as well never have promised them in the first place. Check it our here and here and here.
So before you get to ride off into the sunset to Siberia or wherever in Russia BP is sending you Tony ol chap, we thought we would salute you and the corporate douches just like you. Bring out the vuvuzelas, raise the stars and stripes, stand up and cheer, it's time for a celebration. Today Corporate America douchebags, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
There's plenty of douchiness to go around today and we promise we'll report something spicy, juicy and douchey next week. But since it's Friday and the end of the work week we thought it would be appropriate to start a new tradition here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY. Every Friday we'll search the interwebs for special and amazing videos that might actually put a smile on your face. So here's to one day without a Douchebag.
If you're like most folks, you probably have a soft spot for our four-legged furry friends. So today we end the week with this amazing video from our friends at TODAY'S BIG THING of a very unusual and very friendly Porcupine. Yes we said Porcupine. You know the spiny, scary looking mammal no one dares to touch? Well what would you do if a young male Porcupine did this to you. Enjoy the video below and be sure to stick around for the ending! You'll be amazed at this little stinker.
It's not easy picking just one douchebag per day. And today is one of those days where we could of picked a good baker's dozen. We could have chosen facedouche Mark Zuckerberg because of his outrageous claims that he alone created facebook. Which if you've ever done any kind of programming, you know is bulls*%t. Or that he won't say how many billions he makes off of all OUR content because you know, he thinks the age of privacy is over. and because well, they're a private company... I guess he got us there. Or how about how his attorney won't definitively say whether or not Paul Ceglia has a legitimate claim in the form of a signed by Zucky-boy contract guaranteeing Monsieur Ceglia a whopping 85% ownership stake... if you believe the terms of the alleged contract. But no facedouche is not our douchebag of the day.
We could have stayed on the whole LGBT rights theme and chosen douchecop Lt. Derwyn Parker who was busted yesterday accepting the role of NOM thug by squashing the little ole' 1st amendment rights of one fine (straight ally by the way) LGBT activist in Jethro Rothe-Kushel. You won't believe the actions of this officer of the law so I posted their video HERE. Or if you just want to know what a bully looks like... here you go.
Or we could have chosen Glenn Beck because... well because he's bat-shit crazy.
But we're not here to talk about who could've been the douchiest douchebag today, we're here to tell you who is so douchey that they transcend all of these nominees. Who could be so horrible, so twisted, so deceitful that they are even douchier than the two douchebags above? Say hello to our little friend, "Tiny Tim" Geithner.
While Secretary Geithner has been douchey before - see how he actually paid out MORE of your tax dollars than was requested, a whipped cream on top of gravy on top of gravy bailout for his Wall Street chums HERE - he hasn't stooped this low or been this transparent about his doucheness before. Here's how today's story goes...
If you haven't been a member of the middle-east paparazzi camped out in an Afghan cave hoping for a shot of Osama Bin Laden having sex with a goat for the past year or sailing on your old man's yacht hoping for a reality show on TLC only to crash and burn in the middle of the Indian Ocean, then you probably have heard of the amazing "no holds barred" approach of one Elizabeth Warren. Ms. Warren is currently the chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel who amongst other unenviable tasks is asked to oversee the Treasury's actions. Ah, here's where Tiny Tim's panties get in a bunches of oats. You see it turns out that Ms. Warren will have none of Tiny Tim's lying or spinning or shenanigans. And, more importantly, by anyone's accounts, it looks like (if you've watched the hearings Ms. Warren has held) she is about 13.2 trillion tax dollars times smarter than our own Secretary of the Treasury when it comes to finance. We'll be the first to admit here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY that we are no finance experts, but it doesn't take an expert to spot how Ms. Warren stumps and dazzles Tiny Tim HERE or HERE. Judge for yourself.
Anyhoo, Ms. Warren who has been providing a consumer and tax-paying American favoring, critical fact checking, watchful eye on the Department of the Treasury (not to mention all their buddies and pals and frat-brothers), is now the primo, numero uno, best choice to be the head of the newly forming CONSUMER FINANCE PROTECTION AGENCY. Just about everybody and their brother is saying that Warren is the obvious and best choice for the job. Except for one hold out. First Tiny Tim refused to back Ms. Warren for the post and now he refuses to say (even under mounting pressure from the American public) that Ms. Warren would be a good choice for the job. Oh Tim. You are really starting to crack us up. If we didn't have to hold down three jobs to feed our kids and pay our mortgage and buy over priced oil for our crappy American cars, we'd be rolling on the floor laughing at how much fun you like to have with this country's future ... or should we say this country's very survival.
He gives a kind of douchey explanation which you can see on Huffington Post today. I guess you could call his explanation more of the same. Asked who else might be in the running, Geithner noted that his "colleagues in the White House have put out two other names." Those are Michael Barr, the assistant treasury secretary for financial institutions, and Gene Kimmelman, chief counsel for competition policy in the Justice Department's antitrust division. Both have backgrounds in consumer advocacy, but nevertheless are seen as more sympathetic to Wall Street than Warren. Geithner called them "two very well-qualified, excellent candidates as well" and added: "I've heard of others." He didn't say if by "others" he means anyone who will cow-tow to his Wall Street love-fest approach to our economy and tax dollars.
So while Elizabeth Warren continues to be on the top of the list of nearly every honest speaking reporter or consumer advocate, we've decided to put Tiny Tim on the top of our list today. Bring out the marching band it's time for a celebration. Today, Secretary Tim Geithner, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY.
Say hi to our old friend Brian S. Brown, Executive Director of the National Organization for Marriage. Brian "Bowlcut" Brown is up to new tricks, more on that in a bit but first a little history.
Brian has been practicing doucheism for a long time now. He, along with his grandmother, Maggie "Bobblehead" Gallagher (with the odd title of "ChairMAN of the Board" of NOM) have been raising funds and causing havoc amongst equality seekers around the country for some time now. You may recall they raised millions and millions of American dollars to push their hate laden discrimination into law in the form of California's Prop 8 (other states have had to deal with their shenanigans too).
Seems all they had to do to win in the past was align themselves with some bible thumping, deep pocketed fake Christians like oh, the Mormon Church and the Knights of Columbus (read Catholic Church) to bankroll their quest to eliminate equality for the LGBT community. Well hooray! So far they've been pretty successful at passing these disgusting laws and they've gotten pretty comfortable with that success and feeling all giddy about spreading lies and hate. But see, that's the problem. They're not so comfortable anymore. In fact they're losing ground across the board. The fine folks at the American Foundation for Equal Rights basically wiped the floor with their witness (singular) and destroyed their defense of the discriminating Prop 8. It got so bad at one point that NOM's lawyers actually tried the old "because we say so" defense. When the judge asked them to prove their points about how allowing Gays and Lesbians to marry would some how destroy straight marriage, their actual response was, "we don't have to prove it." Way to go team! Man, the times they are a changin'.
Further evidence to their slippery douchey downfall... A California Field Poll recently showed the trend is on the upswing in support of marriage equality in the Golden State. Not to mention that other states, courts and even (GASP!) some prominent conservatives are all supporting equal rights across the board for the teeny-tiny LGBT community. So what's a "mean girl" Prom King and Queen to do? How can little Brian "Bowlcut" Brown stop the Gays from taking over the world, spread their evil love, raise loving children, continue to support their communties, living a, dare we say it, normal life and wearing jeans too tight for heterosexuals? Don't worry folks, the fine bigots at NOM have a plan! Ta Da! Introducing... It's the "Summer for Marriage Tour 2010" to the rescue. Except well it's not really for marriage is it. Seeing how they are trying to block loving families from marrying. But I digress.
NOM is here to save the day with their super successful, super douchey, giant bus tour (the bus comes complete with photos of "one woman, one man marriage" supporters fresh off the istockphoto website). Yay! And if you read little Brian Brown's propaganda you'll know that they have hundreds upon hundreds of supporters showing up to every single event across the country. Except...well... they don't. See, thanks to the fine folks at Courage Campaign Equality and Freedom to Marry, we have what's called photographic evidence to the contrary. Seems nary a dozen or so hate enthusiasts could see to tearing themselves away from their worm collecting or gun cleaning or watching the Jerry Springer Show or reruns of Mayberry R.F.D. to show up at Brian's soiree. In fact if you look at the pictures you might count more marriage equality folks than marriage inequality folks at Brian's own rally. Many more! GASP! Could Brian and NOM be losing their grip on spreading hate and discrimination across the country? We think so. That's why today we choose the douchiest of douchness in Brian S. Brown. We'll be sure to check him out again at the next bus stop, July 23rd in Columbus, Ohio. Hopefully his doucheness will not have worn off by then and we can all enjoy some more embarrassing lies about how his tour is so successful... even though we know most of the people in the crowd are NOM staff. But don't worry... we won't tell a soul. You know what a soul is don't you Brian? Anyhoo... lets get to the celebration. Today Brian S. Brown, Executive Director of the National Organization for Marriage, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY. Congratulations!
Meet Senator Ben Nelson, Democrat from the cornhusker state of Nebraska. Mr. Nelson, or "Benny" as we like to call him here at douchebagsdaily, has the great distinction of being the only Democrat in the Senate who voted to block the extension of unemployment benefits to over 2 million Americans during the worst U.S. economy in recent history, maybe recorded history, certainly the worst recession. Benny thought it was a good idea to side with the lying Senate Republicants who have made ill-timed attempts to spin this much needed assistance to middle America into some kind of deficit saving ploy. We call bullshit on the Republicants because we know that historically both parties have supported unemployment benefit extensions both as the moral thing to do and as a way to actually boost the faltering economy. Economists have told us that the 35 Billion this latest extension will cost taxpayers is a mere drop in the bucket compared to what not extending them would cost. Benny, along with his Republicant pals, failed in the end to block the Senate vote thanks to the newest freshest Senator of all, Senator Carte Goodwin Democrat from West Virginia.
So Benny, today we at Douchebags Daily salute you! We salute you for caring so deeply about your Republicant pal's fake concern over the deficit (that they created under Bush). We salute you for being brave enough to stand out in the crowd and be the only Democrat to block these much needed benefits. But mostly we salute you for being so much more than a jerk. Today Senator Ben Nelson, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
