What is a douchebag? We're glad you asked. A douchebag is a person who has surpassed all levels of jerk, idiot, loser, thief, liar or the like and therefore elevated themselves to the exalted title of DOUCHEBAG.
Every day there's a douchebag who out does another douchebag in their doucheness.
Here we post the douchest douchebags of the day. We recognize that we're not experts in doucheness so your suggestions are always welcome.
Check back often for updates.
Greetings douchebag devotees! As you well know, for decades now we have been setting aside Friday as a day of rest from douchebags. After all, our weeks are filled to the brim with douchey politicians, douchey commentators, and all-around douche-tastic individuals. If you were paying attention at all you would have realized that this week alone saw some douchebag greatness. Our little world saw new doucheness heights reached like it never has before. Dr. (N Word) Laura Schelessinger, Sarah "Dr. Douche is my best pal" Palin, Courtney "twitdouche" Love, Roger "hit me with another shot" Clemens, and so many more.
Glenn "bonehead" Beck especially comes to mind. With his announcement of his rally for honor or douchebags for honor or whatever the hell his marketing team cooked up and calls it, he has sunk to new lows in deciding the very douchey call of holding it on the same day and same spot as the MLK Jr's 1963 march. HuffPo reports - "The "Restoring Honor" rally has stirred up quite a bit of controversy due to the fact that it is taking place on the same day (August 28) and at the same place (the Lincoln Memorial) as the 1963 March on Washington, where Martin Luther King gave his "I Have A Dream" speech. Rev. Al Sharpton has even planned a counter-rally, which will also take place on Aug. 28."
We don't know bonehead Beck very well and frankly we don't care to. But we're pretty sure that if you were looking up MLK Jr. in Webstirz OPPOSITE dictionary there would be a picture of bonehead Beck. The guys a tool, and not the kind that fixes things, the kind that destroys the hope and character that made America great. Did we say Beck is s douchebag?
But we digress. Today is supposed to be about fun. So here it is. From the DOUCHEBAGS DAILY Entertainment and Comedy division on the 11th floor of our Manhattan skyscraper offices comes these fine videos for your viewing pleasure.
This week we have a Japanese theme because... well there is no reason we just have it.
The first is of a very unique and successful kind of juggler. WAIT! Before you click away... we hate jugglers too. We remember the time while in Amsterdam while enjoying some of the local produce (wink - wink) we met a juggler in the park who said if we give him ten bucks he would teach us how to juggle. I'll be a gob-nobbler if he didn't teach us how to juggle three balls and then have the nerve to ask for twenty bucks and some of our produce. Anyhoo... Check out this dude juggling "Glass Balls" you ain't never seen nuthin' like this.
Cool right?! This next one is somewhat less successful but we dare say just as enterprising. This little fella wants to fly. Gravity has another idea. Enjoy.
And finally here is an authentic Japanese Navy recruiting video. We're serious. This shit is for realz. Kinda makes us wanna join. You? Happy Fun Day!
Some people have accused us of being mean. They say we don't like the people we poke fun at here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY. Nothing could be further from the truth. Except maybe that there is some kind of evil terrorist plot to create Terror Babies here in the USofA to be full fledged Jihadist terrorists. Um no we didn't just make that up. Clearly this is about as far from the truth as one can get. But this little diddy of a douche-statement didn't stop wackjob and Texas douche Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert from spewing, spitting, and twitching the story on AC360 the other day.
Before we get too far into our PulitHITzer Prize winning story... take a look at the video below of this guy. Anderson is really witty and this douchebag is only about oh, half as witty... we'll just say he's a half-wit. Watch the insanity as he nearly blows an artery.
Nutdouche right? Well today Gogurt decided to blame his meltdown on Anderson Cooper. The Huffington Post reports that while at the Angelina County Republican Party campaign headquarters in Texas over the weekend (we were sooooo gonna go to that but chose instead to have our eyeballs drilled out with a lemon squirting drill gun) Gogurt had this to say about his meltdown and little Andy.
"Cooper spent his time attacking my integrity in that interview because I would not give away the names of my sources," Gohmert said. "One of my sources said if anyone knew who she was that she would be killed. He did not need to know my sources and I was not going to put people's lives in danger."
Well that clears it all up right? Now not only are terror babies taking over the world, but if someone tells us who knows about this terror baby plot they'll be killed. But we got a thunkin'. Who would do the killin' Could terror teens be deployed to kill the tattle-tales on the veggie-tales? Or would they send terror turkeys. Think about it. You would never expect a turkey to kill you, would you? Genuis right? We think so. Anyhoo... This kind of nutjob doucheness is so rare that we thought we should dig a little deeper, so we put the PEEbody winning research team here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY to work. You're not gonna believe what they came up with.
Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert turns out, could actually be subpoenaed for making these claims on the House floor. Onacounta' he's all sworn in and shit and 'cause it's a threat to the sickurity of the United States of 'merika. You know he's reprezentin' the people of the 1st district of Texass so he's got to have super-inside top secret information that neither the FBI nor the CIA have - since they already said THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND OF TERROR BABY PLOT AT ALL PERIOD. Anyhoo seems if he were called to testify 'bout this Texas bullshit he would have to give up the name of his source. Then his source would have to give up the name of her killer. Then we would learn where the Terror Babies are hiding (we're guessing Toys 'R Us - have you been there on a weekend? - crazy ass babies all over the place). We would also learn of his secret source's killer. Maybe it's this little dude - he looks like he's not very happy about that haircut.
Here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we're wondering right about now, where the hell are all the sane politicians. Seriously... are there any left anywhere? Used to be that every once in a while a crazy-douche would come out of the woodwork to show their little (and we mean very little) head. Nowadays seems 9 out of 10 polidouchebags are complete and total freekazoid crazies.
We have a theory... and we're just guessing here... but we think there aren't any REAL citizens left representing us over yonder in D.C. We're thinking if you're reading this that maybe just maybe you should think about running for office. No, really. Otherwise you know what's gonna keep happening? We're gonna keep saying things like this...
Today Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert, you are our DOUCEBAG DAILY! Watch out behind you Louie! It's a toddler in their terrible twos - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Hi douchebag devotees. Sometimes here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we have a hard time just picking one douchebag to focus on. But today a skinny white wrinkled douche made it real easy for us. Radio talkdouche Laura Schlessinger (she calls herself a Dr. - we just can't call her... wait a doucheminute maybe that's a good idea) Ahem... We would like to start over.
Hi douchebag devotees. Sometimes here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we have a hard time just picking one douchebag to focus on. But today a skinny white wrinkled douche made it real easy for us. We're talking about Dr. Douche! Yeah. I like it. Let's go with that.
Dr. Douche (a.k.a. Dr. Laura Schlessinger) decided that she's an expert on using the N word. She knows when you can use it. She knows who can use it. She even knows why you voted for Barack Obama... 'cause you're black and he's "half black". Wow! This kind of dumb usually takes two douchebags but she fit it all in one. Dr. Douche goes on to chastise her caller (who is black) because the caller says she has a hard time when some white people don't recognize their insensitivity to race relations...namely her white husband. Sounds like maybe she wanted some advice on how to have a peaceful and successful marriage. But Dr. Douche decided the call was more about how she (as a fake doctor and everything) was an expert on being black and black people aren't. Holy racist.
Wait a sec... let's back up. Is she or isn't she a doctor? Well the DOUCHEBAGS DAILY research team just handed us this note hot off the interwebs... The Answer: Yes she is a doctor, but her doctorate is in the biological field...in Physiology, not Psychology. You know where they study things like this...
Makes perfect sense right?
We don't know about you but we at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY love to be told what to do. Just ask our office stylist. Just the other day she reminded us that it's a good thing to boycott Target because not only are they so homophobic that they give tens of thousands of dollars to fight LGBT equality but their clothes suck too. Good tip office stylist. But we digress.
Dr. Douche has apparently apologized on her website but see we at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY really believe ('cause you know she's been a douche now for a very, very long time) that her true colors came out today. Dr. Douche you really are fascinating with all your bullshit explanations on feminism and how LGBT folks are misguided - memba how we protested outside Paramount Pictures when they wanted to give you a show on the tele and then they realized we were right and you are way wrong. Douchebag! Listen to the exchange HERE >>>
Right? What a douche! I mean how many people do you know have a whole website devoted to STOPPING you from doing what you do. Dr. Laura does.
We can't help ourselves. She's the only Dr. Douche we know. So therefore, let it be known, here on the interwebs and throughout Doucheville and all it's suburbs, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY! Hey! Congrats girl!
Lord this was a big week for douchebaggery. But as always on Friday our douchebag by-laws require us to scour the interwebs for the bestest, coolestest and funniestest videos of all and share them with you our loyal 8 viewers to make you smile and laugh. Today we felt like celebrating the human spirit. Not really. We just want to share a really cool-ass video with you.
You've heard of Parkour or PK as the kids call it? It's described this way "Parkour is the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one's path by adapting one's movements to the environment." Thanks Wikipedia you're so informative.
Today's cool-ass non-douchey video comes from our friends at TODAY'S BIG THING. Watch as these two kids perform Parkour better than most anyone we've seen in a long time (we have a secret fondness for PK). Remember there are no camera tricks or wires here. They're just amaaaaaaaazing athletes. Enjoy and be amazed.
We've been gone for a few days but we're back with a bang! This is really exciting. For the first time in DOUCHEBAGS DAILY's long several week history, we have our first Double Douchebag in Repug Senator Jeff Sessions. The junior Senator from Alabamy is a ranking member on the Senate Judiciary Committee and an all around douchebag. Today he was in full southern, white-man, old-fogey, bigot form. At one fell swoop this douchebigot blasted both Elena Kagan and Judge Vaughn Walker two douchey moves in one. That's right our fellow Amurachans, he's desperately trying to tie all judges he doesn't agree with personally, together by calling them GASP progressive and GASP and we quote "the kind of judges to advance the law that might be better for the country." Oh my Gawd! Can they do that? Make the country better? Watch the astonishing video of his Washington Unplugged interview HERE and stick around to listen to former Clinton aide Richard Socarides with some truth-tellin'. But before we get too far into it we think there is an important point we need to make. One that is really pertinent to this discussion. Jeffey's middle name is Beauregard, making his full name Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III, it's a nice civil rights sounding name isn't it? We're not making this up. It's not a joke. We wish we thought of it. But his Mommy thought of it first. So from here on out we'll call Senate-bigot Jeff Sessions "Beauregard" if that's ok with you. It is. Cool thanks.
So anyhoo Beauregard is one of those rare gems in the Senate who, you know, might think blacks should drink from over there and whites should drink wherever the fuck they want to. He's the kind of guy that thinks he would make a better judge than anyone else because he knows what's best for white Amerikkka we mean America. In fact there were a time not that long ago back in the day when he wanted to be a US Federal Judge himself. He prolly thought about it while sittin' a spell in his favorite ole' whites only watering hole and said to himself, I reckon I could do that there. Problem for ole Beauregard is that the Senate Judiciary Committee way back in the 80s said NOPE YOU CAN'T. Watch this video from last year from liberal commie, left-wingnut, lesbian agenda pusher Rachel Maddow and see what you think. It's real informative like. We'll talk to you more after the jump.
Good stuff right. We love us some Rachel. How'd she get so smart anyways? She prolly went to a good school or sumthin' Maybe Beauregard could like learns sumthin from her and shit. Anyhoo we digress. Here's the thing about Beauregard, while speachifying on the Senate floor today he tried to somehow tie the confirmation of Elena Kagan and Judge Vaughn Walker's historic ruling yesterday, together. He apparently thinks that if liberal judges like Vaughn Walker get to overturn the vote of 7 million Californians than the liberals will somehow take over the country and racists like him will have to find another job. 'Cept Judge Walker is anything but a liberal. He is in fact a conservative, appointed by a conservative President, who happens to agree with one of the most conservative people on the planet (Ted Olsen) that "Equality and Justice for All" means ... well FOR ALL. Not just for some. Not just for Beauregard's friends. Not just for Christians. Not just for purty ladies with big Easter hats, their Catholic husbands and deep pockets that can try and buy elections. True conservatives, who believe the gubment should stay the hell out of our personal lives and out of our churches, also believe that when you say something and engrave it on the friggin' Supreme Court, it should prolly mean somethin'.
Beauregard is in good company. After yesterday's historic ruling by new American Hero and protector of constitutional law, Judge Vaughn Walker, (Read the full legal ruling HERE) the doucheroaches came out of the woodwork to try and blast him, blast homos, or anyone who likes homos and anyone who believes in real American equality. Douchebags like Beauregard like to try and politicize this issue because they think it has more steam... or enough to get them through the 2012 election anyway. And they're doing all they can to perpetuate the lies and hate speech that somehow the LGBT community is less worthy of the rights bigots like Beauregard enjoy. Beauregard isn't as bat-shit crazy as some but here's a little quote from one of Beauregard's favorite organizations. The so-called Family Research Council posts this explanation on their website (we ain't gonna link you there 'cause we don't want them getting any hits but if you must google their shit) under title "The Slippery Slope of Same-Sex Marriage they make this comparison to loving, giving, healthy LGBT families...
"A Man and His Horse
In what some call a denial of a basic civil right, a Missouri man has been told he may not marry his long-term companion. Although his situation is unique, the logic of his argument is remarkably similar to that employed by advocates of homosexual marriage.
The man claims that the essential elements of marriage--love and commitment--are indeed present:"She's gorgeous. She's sweet. She's loving. I'm very proud of her. ... Deep down, way down, I'd love to have children with her."1
Why is the state of Missouri, as well as the federal government, displaying such heartlessness in denying the holy bonds of wedlock to this man and his would-be "wife"?
It seems the state of Missouri is not prepared to indulge a man who waxes eloquent about his love for a 22-year-old mare named Pixel."
That's right. The nut-job douchebags think Gay Marriage is just like wanting to marry a horse. Makes perfect sense right? One group wants to be able to enjoy the same right any loving couple and family have, the other wants to... marry a horse. Sure we see the connection.
See these douchebags are going to use every lie, trick, filthy douchebaggery they can to try and paint LGBT people as evil and immoral. And why are thy working so hard to do this you ask? Well we're glad you did. Because they need somehting to fuel their otherwise failed political party. The Repugs remember, dragged us all into this horrific mess we call a Recession. After 2000 when JUDGES APPOINTED BUSH our President, he and his cronies proceeded to drag our asses into so much debt that now your dollar is worth about as much as Michelle Bachmann's modeling career. So they need something to excite the masses to get their minds off the hell hole these douchebags put us in and on to something they can rally around... like hating gay people. So the more douchebags like Beauregard can demonize us the better chance he has to control Congress. Are you following us? Basically it's the ole' bait and switch except it's more gay and switch. Beauregard and douchebags like him all over the country are spinning Vaughn Walker's ruling and the Elena Kagan confirmation into no less than the end of the world ... unless you give them money and put them in power so they can save us by giving billionaires more tax cuts and destroying the middle-class. Check out this doozy from NOM nutjob Maggie Gallagher, she called Judge Walker's ruling "Soviet-style". Really? They had Conservative judges in Soviet Russia who were willing to break from the extreme douchebags of their party and favor the constitution. I don't remember that. But anyway she must be right because she looks like this. We're all over the place with this post but you get the point. You don't? OK let us clear it up for you. See there are a whole bunch of douchebags out there and today Senator Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY! Does that clear it up?
Ok so we know we're just a tiny little blog read by our close friends and mothers and we know that last week we announced a tradition here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY where Friday we would forgo any douchebaggery and concentrate instead on funny, loving, non-douchey videos in honor of the coming weekend. Well today is going to be a teenie-tinsey little different. Observe two videos for your viewing pleasure.
The first is the very NOT douchey Representative Anthony Weiner ripping Republicants a new one for voting NO on a bill that would have provided free health-care for the 9/11 first responders. You know, the people that ran into a burning, crashing, smoking, exploding building TWICE to save our assess. Yeah, the Republicants don't care that they risked their lives and are now facing all kinds of unexplainable illnesses due to being at Ground Zero and desperately need health-care. I'll let the Congressman explain. You will love this video just below. Underneath that video, well it's called "The Deer Stole My Wife" I'll let you watch and see. Enjoy the videos and enjoy the non-douchery and enjoy your weekend loved ones!
Yeesh! We like totally intended to drop the whole group/corporate thing today but then Target had to go be all douchey and shit. So what's the scoop?
Seems our friends at Target Corporate think its just fine and dandy to market to the Gays to buy their cheap designer clothes, hire the Lesbians to manage their stores and generally pander to the gay gene to drop bucket loads of money in their hundreds of thousands of stores around the world while using our hard earn duckets to fund anti-gay campaigns like that of wanna-be Governor Tom Emmer. Gasp! What! Huh!? But I thought Target was all diverse-like and diverse oriented and inclusive and lovey-dovey. Just take a look at their FAKE and DOUCHEY website where the Chairman, President and CEO (can one person be all those things?) Gregg Steinhafel writes a pretty letter about how Target is proud of their diversity. Check it out HERE. Gross right? Wait. You didn't read it? Lazy. Well here's a quote. "At Target, diversity is much more than a goal or campaign. It’s a core value we integrate into every area of our business — from our suppliers, to our teams, to the shopping experience in our stores. We foster an inclusive culture that allows our high-performing and diverse team to drive innovation. " - Gregg Steinhafel Well maybe he's not a liar. He didn't mention that they include in their diversity, supporting the LGBT community politically. 'Cause they don't. They support bigotry and hatred. They support Tom Emmer who actively campaigns against the LGBT community and is strongly against marriage equality. You heard us. He not only campaigns against marriage equality but against evil things like LGBT couples fostering children or receiving death benefits. No really. Here's a douchey blip from the douchebag's efforts, courtesy of the Minnesota Independent. "In many instances, Emmer has tried to change language in bills to that same-sex couples cannot benefit. In a bill to create standards around surrogate motherhood, Emmer attempted to replace the word “parents” with the words “mother and father.” In a wrongful death bill this session, Emmer questioned the use of the term “domestic partner” just as he has in bills aimed at providing benefits for same-sex partners."
So why isn't Tom DOUCHEBAG Emmer our favorite douchebag today you ask? Well because we get to choose and you don't. Besides, idiot-douches like Emmer wouldn't be where they were if douche-corps like Target didn't support them financially. You see douche-spies, politicians need money to run for office, lots of money and Target gave Emmer One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND DOUCHE DOLLARS. That's a lot of Merona dresses and Converse shoes.
So what do we do now? Well if you're like this fabulous very NOT douchey Grandma, you stage a one-woman (one powerful woman) boycott. You absolutely have to, must, watch this video. It is required by the by-laws of DOUCHEBAG DAILY. Watch it now and be amazed. Right?! We told you. Great video. So you could do like she did and buy a bunch of crap made in China and then return it and tell them why. Or you could just stop shopping there altogether and phone corporate douche headquarters at 1.800.440.0680 and tell them they suck ass for giving money to people who want to stop other people from having loving families. Maybe don't use the word "ass" 'cause they're all corporatey and stuff. Just say sucks coolie. Or you could organize a local boycott in your area and show up at Tar-douche-get with signs and stuff and yell cool things like "Get your hands off our Gays!" or you know, better ones. Anyhoo, there you go getting us off topic again...
Bring out the sell-out designers, line up the Chinese workers, let's give these folks an announcement they'll never forget. Here goes. Today Target Stores, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
You might be asking why on earth are we so focused on entities or companies this week instead of individuals. Well, maybe we're making a point that groups can be douchebags too and maybe it's none of your God damned business. Sorry, still getting that first cup of coffee down. Today's DOUCHEBAG DAILY is going to be quick, not because we're lazy (we are) or because we don't have much to say (we can talk for hours) but because it's really easy to make this point in just a few lines of text. Here goes...
OK, we have more to say. Why is this movie studio that is barely hanging on to their own existence, hemming and hawing over a financial restructuring? They've got talented executives in place. We know they know how to market a film. They've got some great ideas about comedy. Seriously if you haven't seen this movie stop reading and go rent it NOW.
And while we're at it, why doesn't our favorite studio, SONY jump in there already, with enough cash to close the deal? Why are we asking all these douchey questions? Because we want our beloved BOND franchise back. That's why.
That's right. BOND is flailing in the wind because MGM can't close a deal. Who exactly at MGM is to blame? How the hell should we know. All we care about is getting that next BOND film up and running. But word earlier this month that "BOND 23" as it's currently known, had been canceled really got us crying in our martini glass. Apparently Oscar winner Sam Mendes was all ready and BONDY to get started with his take on the Brit Agent and we're betting Sam would have done a not-douchey job of it. In fact we're betting he would have elevated this successful franchise to even higher heights. Daniel Craig apparently is still all BONDY over doing the next one so there that is... he's on board (thank God). So what's the frikin' problem MGM? Whatever the hold up we're asking you to put away your evil nemesis you and bring out the double '0' in you and close this thing. We want our BOND back! And we want him now! There that should do it. Oh wait. We forgot one thing. Bring out the marching band! Give 'JAWS' the baton. We have an announcement to make. Today MGM you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
This past weekend we had the pleasure of attending a small and intimate brunch with friends on one of the prettiest streets in Beverly Hills. There was not a single douchebag in the crowd and it was lovely. While sipping on freshly squeezed O.J. and enjoying mouth-watering vegetable quiche we decided it was time to mingle amongst the delightful guests (you know before we had to go home to our one-bedroom bungalow apartment). Eventually we settled into a seat next to a couple of adults who have been working in Hollywood for decades. We listened intently as they reminisced about the Hollywood of old. It was a time when you were on a first name basis with every person who worked at the studio where you were employed. When there were three major networks and something called a "Movie of the Week". There were no mini-majors or Internet rights. It was a time when if you worked in Hollywood it meant you worked in a smallish family of businesses often owned by families like the Disneys or the Warners or the Tischs. The only reality TV was the rare broadcasting of a documentary. In fact kiddies, there was a time that the only way to see a movie if you hadn't seen it in the theater, was to wait for the Network Television Premiere. It sounded like it was so long ago except it wasn't. We're only talking about forty years. Some of you reading this aren't even that old so to give you some perspective... if you lined up every douchebag, head to head, that lived within any forty year period they would stretch to the moon and back 147 times. That's a lot. Wait, that's the opposite of the point we were trying to make. Anyhoo...
We asked Mr. and Mrs. Hollywood of yore, what's different now? One of them looked at us, shifting his Persol's up his nose and said, "It was less corporate". That got us a-thinkin'.
If you were paying attention to the news over the weekend you may have read horrible stories about people dying at something called the Love Parade of all things. Or how about this doozy of a douchebag. There's a woman in New Yawk who dresses as an innocent nun asking for change for orphans for a charity that doesn't exist. Get this, authorities say they bring in a whopping $250,000 a year ripping New Yawk tourists off. In fact it seems she's part of a notorious cultish-fakeish-doucheish-church that has been literally raping and stealing from their New Yawk neighborhood for decades. This woman must be so proud at night when she dreams of her private room that's waiting for her in Lake Hell.
Or how about the release of 90,000 secret military papers from Wikileaks that SHOCKER contradict what we've been told is happening by our government in the war in Afghanistan. Can you believe our government has been lying to us? I'd link you to Wikileaks except they've had so much traffic that the website is down. Either that or the taskforce 373 has sniper killed all the Wikileaks folks. Read the story at the Washington Post and you'll understand what we're talking about. But you're getting us off topic. We're here to talk about another douchebag. Let's talk about Corporate America.
Now before you jump all over us for wagging our douchey smelling finger at all of Corporate America, we know that not all corpies are douchies. There are many instances where Corporate America works very well. In fact we're willing to bet that in most cases Corporate America is good for us. Good for jobs. Good for commerce. Good for the economy. Good for society. Good for philanthropy. Good for the environment... ok well probably not that one but anyway...
We aren't here to bash Corporate America as a whole...honest. In fact we've worked for a few corporations in our time. And they've got really good coffee and pretty decent dental coverage. We're here to point out the DOUCHEBAG in Corporate America. You know the one where like in the past weeks giant behemoth gigantor Wal-Mart in it's customary union busting ways, put a nice wedge between union builders and wanna-be union workers. In other words they used their giant deep pockets to create a hatred in and amongst the rank and file of the unions and others. Genius shit if you can get away with it. Create in-fighting amongst like-minded people that destroys them from within and takes the focus off of your douchebag ass. Awesome tactic. The LGBT community knows what I'm talking about.
We loved this story of douchiness today about how corporate America has found a way to finally boost profits. But it's not what you think... or maybe it is. They're cutting even more jobs in order to stay in the black. Who wins in this situation? The company executives, the board and a few major stockholders. Everyone else gets the douchey smelling shaft. Check it out here.
Or you may have read about honest, straight-forward, good dealing, BP's Cheif Tony Hayward who has made more gaffes than even Joe Biden. The little dude is stepping down in October so he can focus on polluting Russia's coastline. If you can find someone who supports BP that isn't working for them or a Republican we'll give you a dozen molasses cookies.
But the real douchebag in all of this is the overwhelming greed and want for control that erodes the brains of Wall Street honchos and Corporate Cronies once they get in the control seat. They want more power, more control, more money, more douchiness. They see blood like Jasper in Twilight and they can't control themselves. I know, lame reference, but we fucking love vampires here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY.
So what has really gotten our douchebag antenna up today? It's not BP's mishandling of the Gulf clean up. It's not Tony Hayward's "Last Comic Standing" like press conferences or TV spots. It's that BP is still running spots by some guy who says he works for them and is from the Gulf, AND they say they will pay for all the damage. What that meant to many businesses is that BP is going to pony up to pay for the devastating losses of income by thousands of locals. Fishing, tourism and oyster canning are just some of the businesses that may never recover. BP has made numerous claims that they will in fact cover this lost income. They've said over and over how they care, how they take full responsibility and how they promise that they will fix it. Except, they're not and they won't. Local papers and national news report that BP has made it so difficult to file and collect on a claim that they may as well never have promised them in the first place. Check it our here and here and here.
So before you get to ride off into the sunset to Siberia or wherever in Russia BP is sending you Tony ol chap, we thought we would salute you and the corporate douches just like you. Bring out the vuvuzelas, raise the stars and stripes, stand up and cheer, it's time for a celebration. Today Corporate America douchebags, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
There's plenty of douchiness to go around today and we promise we'll report something spicy, juicy and douchey next week. But since it's Friday and the end of the work week we thought it would be appropriate to start a new tradition here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY. Every Friday we'll search the interwebs for special and amazing videos that might actually put a smile on your face. So here's to one day without a Douchebag.
If you're like most folks, you probably have a soft spot for our four-legged furry friends. So today we end the week with this amazing video from our friends at TODAY'S BIG THING of a very unusual and very friendly Porcupine. Yes we said Porcupine. You know the spiny, scary looking mammal no one dares to touch? Well what would you do if a young male Porcupine did this to you. Enjoy the video below and be sure to stick around for the ending! You'll be amazed at this little stinker.
It's not easy picking just one douchebag per day. And today is one of those days where we could of picked a good baker's dozen. We could have chosen facedouche Mark Zuckerberg because of his outrageous claims that he alone created facebook. Which if you've ever done any kind of programming, you know is bulls*%t. Or that he won't say how many billions he makes off of all OUR content because you know, he thinks the age of privacy is over. and because well, they're a private company... I guess he got us there. Or how about how his attorney won't definitively say whether or not Paul Ceglia has a legitimate claim in the form of a signed by Zucky-boy contract guaranteeing Monsieur Ceglia a whopping 85% ownership stake... if you believe the terms of the alleged contract. But no facedouche is not our douchebag of the day.
We could have stayed on the whole LGBT rights theme and chosen douchecop Lt. Derwyn Parker who was busted yesterday accepting the role of NOM thug by squashing the little ole' 1st amendment rights of one fine (straight ally by the way) LGBT activist in Jethro Rothe-Kushel. You won't believe the actions of this officer of the law so I posted their video HERE. Or if you just want to know what a bully looks like... here you go.
Or we could have chosen Glenn Beck because... well because he's bat-shit crazy.
But we're not here to talk about who could've been the douchiest douchebag today, we're here to tell you who is so douchey that they transcend all of these nominees. Who could be so horrible, so twisted, so deceitful that they are even douchier than the two douchebags above? Say hello to our little friend, "Tiny Tim" Geithner.
While Secretary Geithner has been douchey before - see how he actually paid out MORE of your tax dollars than was requested, a whipped cream on top of gravy on top of gravy bailout for his Wall Street chums HERE - he hasn't stooped this low or been this transparent about his doucheness before. Here's how today's story goes...
If you haven't been a member of the middle-east paparazzi camped out in an Afghan cave hoping for a shot of Osama Bin Laden having sex with a goat for the past year or sailing on your old man's yacht hoping for a reality show on TLC only to crash and burn in the middle of the Indian Ocean, then you probably have heard of the amazing "no holds barred" approach of one Elizabeth Warren. Ms. Warren is currently the chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel who amongst other unenviable tasks is asked to oversee the Treasury's actions. Ah, here's where Tiny Tim's panties get in a bunches of oats. You see it turns out that Ms. Warren will have none of Tiny Tim's lying or spinning or shenanigans. And, more importantly, by anyone's accounts, it looks like (if you've watched the hearings Ms. Warren has held) she is about 13.2 trillion tax dollars times smarter than our own Secretary of the Treasury when it comes to finance. We'll be the first to admit here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY that we are no finance experts, but it doesn't take an expert to spot how Ms. Warren stumps and dazzles Tiny Tim HERE or HERE. Judge for yourself.
Anyhoo, Ms. Warren who has been providing a consumer and tax-paying American favoring, critical fact checking, watchful eye on the Department of the Treasury (not to mention all their buddies and pals and frat-brothers), is now the primo, numero uno, best choice to be the head of the newly forming CONSUMER FINANCE PROTECTION AGENCY. Just about everybody and their brother is saying that Warren is the obvious and best choice for the job. Except for one hold out. First Tiny Tim refused to back Ms. Warren for the post and now he refuses to say (even under mounting pressure from the American public) that Ms. Warren would be a good choice for the job. Oh Tim. You are really starting to crack us up. If we didn't have to hold down three jobs to feed our kids and pay our mortgage and buy over priced oil for our crappy American cars, we'd be rolling on the floor laughing at how much fun you like to have with this country's future ... or should we say this country's very survival.
He gives a kind of douchey explanation which you can see on Huffington Post today. I guess you could call his explanation more of the same. Asked who else might be in the running, Geithner noted that his "colleagues in the White House have put out two other names." Those are Michael Barr, the assistant treasury secretary for financial institutions, and Gene Kimmelman, chief counsel for competition policy in the Justice Department's antitrust division. Both have backgrounds in consumer advocacy, but nevertheless are seen as more sympathetic to Wall Street than Warren. Geithner called them "two very well-qualified, excellent candidates as well" and added: "I've heard of others." He didn't say if by "others" he means anyone who will cow-tow to his Wall Street love-fest approach to our economy and tax dollars.
So while Elizabeth Warren continues to be on the top of the list of nearly every honest speaking reporter or consumer advocate, we've decided to put Tiny Tim on the top of our list today. Bring out the marching band it's time for a celebration. Today, Secretary Tim Geithner, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY.
Say hi to our old friend Brian S. Brown, Executive Director of the National Organization for Marriage. Brian "Bowlcut" Brown is up to new tricks, more on that in a bit but first a little history.
Brian has been practicing doucheism for a long time now. He, along with his grandmother, Maggie "Bobblehead" Gallagher (with the odd title of "ChairMAN of the Board" of NOM) have been raising funds and causing havoc amongst equality seekers around the country for some time now. You may recall they raised millions and millions of American dollars to push their hate laden discrimination into law in the form of California's Prop 8 (other states have had to deal with their shenanigans too).
Seems all they had to do to win in the past was align themselves with some bible thumping, deep pocketed fake Christians like oh, the Mormon Church and the Knights of Columbus (read Catholic Church) to bankroll their quest to eliminate equality for the LGBT community. Well hooray! So far they've been pretty successful at passing these disgusting laws and they've gotten pretty comfortable with that success and feeling all giddy about spreading lies and hate. But see, that's the problem. They're not so comfortable anymore. In fact they're losing ground across the board. The fine folks at the American Foundation for Equal Rights basically wiped the floor with their witness (singular) and destroyed their defense of the discriminating Prop 8. It got so bad at one point that NOM's lawyers actually tried the old "because we say so" defense. When the judge asked them to prove their points about how allowing Gays and Lesbians to marry would some how destroy straight marriage, their actual response was, "we don't have to prove it." Way to go team! Man, the times they are a changin'.
Further evidence to their slippery douchey downfall... A California Field Poll recently showed the trend is on the upswing in support of marriage equality in the Golden State. Not to mention that other states, courts and even (GASP!) some prominent conservatives are all supporting equal rights across the board for the teeny-tiny LGBT community. So what's a "mean girl" Prom King and Queen to do? How can little Brian "Bowlcut" Brown stop the Gays from taking over the world, spread their evil love, raise loving children, continue to support their communties, living a, dare we say it, normal life and wearing jeans too tight for heterosexuals? Don't worry folks, the fine bigots at NOM have a plan! Ta Da! Introducing... It's the "Summer for Marriage Tour 2010" to the rescue. Except well it's not really for marriage is it. Seeing how they are trying to block loving families from marrying. But I digress.
NOM is here to save the day with their super successful, super douchey, giant bus tour (the bus comes complete with photos of "one woman, one man marriage" supporters fresh off the istockphoto website). Yay! And if you read little Brian Brown's propaganda you'll know that they have hundreds upon hundreds of supporters showing up to every single event across the country. Except...well... they don't. See, thanks to the fine folks at Courage Campaign Equality and Freedom to Marry, we have what's called photographic evidence to the contrary. Seems nary a dozen or so hate enthusiasts could see to tearing themselves away from their worm collecting or gun cleaning or watching the Jerry Springer Show or reruns of Mayberry R.F.D. to show up at Brian's soiree. In fact if you look at the pictures you might count more marriage equality folks than marriage inequality folks at Brian's own rally. Many more! GASP! Could Brian and NOM be losing their grip on spreading hate and discrimination across the country? We think so. That's why today we choose the douchiest of douchness in Brian S. Brown. We'll be sure to check him out again at the next bus stop, July 23rd in Columbus, Ohio. Hopefully his doucheness will not have worn off by then and we can all enjoy some more embarrassing lies about how his tour is so successful... even though we know most of the people in the crowd are NOM staff. But don't worry... we won't tell a soul. You know what a soul is don't you Brian? Anyhoo... lets get to the celebration. Today Brian S. Brown, Executive Director of the National Organization for Marriage, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY. Congratulations!
Meet Senator Ben Nelson, Democrat from the cornhusker state of Nebraska. Mr. Nelson, or "Benny" as we like to call him here at douchebagsdaily, has the great distinction of being the only Democrat in the Senate who voted to block the extension of unemployment benefits to over 2 million Americans during the worst U.S. economy in recent history, maybe recorded history, certainly the worst recession. Benny thought it was a good idea to side with the lying Senate Republicants who have made ill-timed attempts to spin this much needed assistance to middle America into some kind of deficit saving ploy. We call bullshit on the Republicants because we know that historically both parties have supported unemployment benefit extensions both as the moral thing to do and as a way to actually boost the faltering economy. Economists have told us that the 35 Billion this latest extension will cost taxpayers is a mere drop in the bucket compared to what not extending them would cost. Benny, along with his Republicant pals, failed in the end to block the Senate vote thanks to the newest freshest Senator of all, Senator Carte Goodwin Democrat from West Virginia.
So Benny, today we at Douchebags Daily salute you! We salute you for caring so deeply about your Republicant pal's fake concern over the deficit (that they created under Bush). We salute you for being brave enough to stand out in the crowd and be the only Democrat to block these much needed benefits. But mostly we salute you for being so much more than a jerk. Today Senator Ben Nelson, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
