This past weekend we had the pleasure of attending a small and intimate brunch with friends on one of the prettiest streets in Beverly Hills. There was not a single douchebag in the crowd and it was lovely. While sipping on freshly squeezed O.J. and enjoying mouth-watering vegetable quiche we decided it was time to mingle amongst the delightful guests (you know before we had to go home to our one-bedroom bungalow apartment). Eventually we settled into a seat next to a couple of adults who have been working in Hollywood for decades. We listened intently as they reminisced about the Hollywood of old. It was a time when you were on a first name basis with every person who worked at the studio where you were employed. When there were three major networks and something called a "Movie of the Week". There were no mini-majors or Internet rights. It was a time when if you worked in Hollywood it meant you worked in a smallish family of businesses often owned by families like the Disneys or the Warners or the Tischs. The only reality TV was the rare broadcasting of a documentary. In fact kiddies, there was a time that the only way to see a movie if you hadn't seen it in the theater, was to wait for the Network Television Premiere. It sounded like it was so long ago except it wasn't. We're only talking about forty years. Some of you reading this aren't even that old so to give you some perspective... if you lined up every douchebag, head to head, that lived within any forty year period they would stretch to the moon and back 147 times. That's a lot. Wait, that's the opposite of the point we were trying to make. Anyhoo...
We asked Mr. and Mrs. Hollywood of yore, what's different now? One of them looked at us, shifting his Persol's up his nose and said, "It was less corporate". That got us a-thinkin'.
If you were paying attention to the news over the weekend you may have read horrible stories about people dying at something called the Love Parade of all things.
Or how about this doozy of a douchebag. There's a woman in New Yawk who dresses as an innocent nun asking for change for orphans for a charity that doesn't exist. Get this, authorities say they bring in a whopping $250,000 a year ripping New Yawk tourists off. In fact it seems she's part of a notorious cultish-fakeish-doucheish-church that has been literally raping and stealing from their New Yawk neighborhood for decades. This woman must be so proud at night when she dreams of her private room that's waiting for her in Lake Hell. Or how about the release of 90,000 secret military papers from Wikileaks that SHOCKER contradict what we've been told is happening by our government in the war in Afghanistan. Can you believe our government has been lying to us? I'd link you to Wikileaks except they've had so much traffic that the website is down. Either that or the taskforce 373 has sniper killed all the Wikileaks folks. Read the story at the Washington Post and you'll understand what we're talking about. But you're getting us off topic. We're here to talk about another douchebag. Let's talk about Corporate America.
Now before you jump all over us for wagging our douchey smelling finger at all of Corporate America, we know that not all corpies are douchies. There are many instances where Corporate America works very well. In fact we're willing to bet that in most cases Corporate America is good for us. Good for jobs. Good for commerce. Good for the economy. Good for society. Good for philanthropy. Good for the environment... ok well probably not that one but anyway...
We aren't here to bash Corporate America as a whole...honest. In fact we've worked for a few corporations in our time. And they've got really good coffee and pretty decent dental coverage. We're here to point out the DOUCHEBAG in Corporate America. You know the one where like in the past weeks giant behemoth gigantor Wal-Mart in it's customary union busting ways, put a nice wedge between union builders and wanna-be union workers. In other words they used their giant deep pockets to create a hatred in and amongst the rank and file of the unions and others. Genius shit if you can get away with it. Create in-fighting amongst like-minded people that destroys them from within and takes the focus off of your douchebag ass. Awesome tactic. The LGBT community knows what I'm talking about.
We loved this story of douchiness today about how corporate America has found a way to finally boost profits. But it's not what you think... or maybe it is. They're cutting even more jobs in order to stay in the black. Who wins in this situation? The company executives, the board and a few major stockholders. Everyone else gets the douchey smelling shaft. Check it out here.
Or you may have read about honest, straight-forward, good dealing, BP's Cheif Tony Hayward who has made more gaffes than even Joe Biden. The little dude is stepping down in October so he can focus on polluting Russia's coastline.
If you can find someone who supports BP that isn't working for them or a Republican we'll give you a dozen molasses cookies. But the real douchebag in all of this is the overwhelming greed and want for control that erodes the brains of Wall Street honchos and Corporate Cronies once they get in the control seat. They want more power, more control, more money, more douchiness. They see blood like Jasper in Twilight and they can't control themselves. I know, lame reference, but we fucking love vampires here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY.
So what has really gotten our douchebag antenna up today? It's not BP's mishandling of the Gulf clean up. It's not Tony Hayward's "Last Comic Standing" like press conferences or TV spots. It's that BP is still running spots by some guy who says he works for them and is from the Gulf, AND they say they will pay for all the damage. What that meant to many businesses is that BP is going to pony up to pay for the devastating losses of income by thousands of locals. Fishing, tourism and oyster canning are just some of the businesses that may never recover. BP has made numerous claims that they will in fact cover this lost income. They've said over and over how they care, how they take full responsibility and how they promise that they will fix it. Except, they're not and they won't. Local papers and national news report that BP has made it so difficult to file and collect on a claim that they may as well never have promised them in the first place. Check it our here and here and here.
So before you get to ride off into the sunset to Siberia
or wherever in Russia BP is sending you Tony ol chap, we thought we would salute you and the corporate douches just like you. Bring out the vuvuzelas, raise the stars and stripes, stand up and cheer, it's time for a celebration. Today Corporate America douchebags, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!
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