Friday, August 20, 2010

August 20, 2010 FRIDAY FUN DAY

Greetings douchebag devotees! As you well know, for decades now we have been setting aside Friday as a day of rest from douchebags. After all, our weeks are filled to the brim with douchey politicians, douchey commentators, and all-around douche-tastic individuals. If you were paying attention at all you would have realized that this week alone saw some douchebag greatness. Our little world saw new doucheness heights reached like it never has before. Dr. (N Word) Laura Schelessinger, Sarah "Dr. Douche is my best pal" Palin, Courtney "twitdouche" Love, Roger "hit me with another shot" Clemens, and so many more.

Glenn "bonehead" Beck especially comes to mind. With his announcement of his rally for honor or douchebags for honor or whatever the hell his marketing team cooked up and calls it, he has sunk to new lows in deciding the very douchey call of holding it on the same day and same spot as the MLK Jr's 1963 march. HuffPo reports - "The "Restoring Honor" rally has stirred up quite a bit of controversy due to the fact that it is taking place on the same day (August 28) and at the same place (the Lincoln Memorial) as the 1963 March on Washington, where Martin Luther King gave his "I Have A Dream" speech. Rev. Al Sharpton has even planned a counter-rally, which will also take place on Aug. 28."

We don't know bonehead Beck very well and frankly we don't care to. But we're pretty sure that if you were looking up MLK Jr. in Webstirz OPPOSITE dictionary there would be a picture of bonehead Beck. The guys a tool, and not the kind that fixes things, the kind that destroys the hope and character that made America great. Did we say Beck is s douchebag?

But we digress. Today is supposed to be about fun. So here it is. From the DOUCHEBAGS DAILY Entertainment and Comedy division on the 11th floor of our Manhattan skyscraper offices comes these fine videos for your viewing pleasure.

This week we have a Japanese theme because... well there is no reason we just have it.

The first is of a very unique and successful kind of juggler. WAIT! Before you click away... we hate jugglers too. We remember the time while in Amsterdam while enjoying some of the local produce (wink - wink) we met a juggler in the park who said if we give him ten bucks he would teach us how to juggle. I'll be a gob-nobbler if he didn't teach us how to juggle three balls and then have the nerve to ask for twenty bucks and some of our produce. Anyhoo... Check out this dude juggling "Glass Balls" you ain't never seen nuthin' like this.

Cool right?! This next one is somewhat less successful but we dare say just as enterprising. This little fella wants to fly. Gravity has another idea. Enjoy.

And finally here is an authentic Japanese Navy recruiting video. We're serious. This shit is for realz. Kinda makes us wanna join. You? Happy Fun Day!

Monday, August 16, 2010

August 16, 2010 Representative Louie Gohmert

Some people have accused us of being mean. They say we don't like the people we poke fun at here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY. Nothing could be further from the truth. Except maybe that there is some kind of evil terrorist plot to create Terror Babies here in the USofA to be full fledged Jihadist terrorists. Um no we didn't just make that up. Clearly this is about as far from the truth as one can get. But this little diddy of a douche-statement didn't stop wackjob and Texas douche Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert from spewing, spitting, and twitching the story on AC360 the other day.

Before we get too far into our PulitHITzer Prize winning story... take a look at the video below of this guy. Anderson is really witty and this douchebag is only about oh, half as witty... we'll just say he's a half-wit. Watch the insanity as he nearly blows an artery.

Nutdouche right? Well today Gogurt decided to blame his meltdown on Anderson Cooper. The Huffington Post reports that while at the Angelina County Republican Party campaign headquarters in Texas over the weekend (we were sooooo gonna go to that but chose instead to have our eyeballs drilled out with a lemon squirting drill gun) Gogurt had this to say about his meltdown and little Andy.

"Cooper spent his time attacking my integrity in that interview because I would not give away the names of my sources," Gohmert said. "One of my sources said if anyone knew who she was that she would be killed. He did not need to know my sources and I was not going to put people's lives in danger."

Well that clears it all up right? Now not only are terror babies taking over the world, but if someone tells us who knows about this terror baby plot they'll be killed. But we got a thunkin'. Who would do the killin' Could terror teens be deployed to kill the tattle-tales on the veggie-tales? Or would they send terror turkeys. Think about it. You would never expect a turkey to kill you, would you? Genuis right? We think so. Anyhoo... This kind of nutjob doucheness is so rare that we thought we should dig a little deeper, so we put the PEEbody winning research team here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY to work. You're not gonna believe what they came up with.

Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert turns out, could actually be subpoenaed for making these claims on the House floor. Onacounta' he's all sworn in and shit and 'cause it's a threat to the sickurity of the United States of 'merika. You know he's reprezentin' the people of the 1st district of Texass so he's got to have super-inside top secret information that neither the FBI nor the CIA have - since they already said THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND OF TERROR BABY PLOT AT ALL PERIOD. Anyhoo seems if he were called to testify 'bout this Texas bullshit he would have to give up the name of his source. Then his source would have to give up the name of her killer. Then we would learn where the Terror Babies are hiding (we're guessing Toys 'R Us - have you been there on a weekend? - crazy ass babies all over the place). We would also learn of his secret source's killer. Maybe it's this little dude - he looks like he's not very happy about that haircut.

Here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we're wondering right about now, where the hell are all the sane politicians. Seriously... are there any left anywhere? Used to be that every once in a while a crazy-douche would come out of the woodwork to show their little (and we mean very little) head. Nowadays seems 9 out of 10 polidouchebags are complete and total freekazoid crazies.

We have a theory... and we're just guessing here... but we think there aren't any REAL citizens left representing us over yonder in D.C. We're thinking if you're reading this that maybe just maybe you should think about running for office. No, really. Otherwise you know what's gonna keep happening? We're gonna keep saying things like this...

Today Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert, you are our DOUCEBAG DAILY! Watch out behind you Louie! It's a toddler in their terrible twos - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

August 12, 2010 Laura Schlessinger

Hi douchebag devotees. Sometimes here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we have a hard time just picking one douchebag to focus on. But today a skinny white wrinkled douche made it real easy for us. Radio talkdouche Laura Schlessinger (she calls herself a Dr. - we just can't call her... wait a doucheminute maybe that's a good idea) Ahem... We would like to start over.

Hi douchebag devotees. Sometimes here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we have a hard time just picking one douchebag to focus on. But today a skinny white wrinkled douche made it real easy for us. We're talking about Dr. Douche! Yeah. I like it. Let's go with that.

Dr. Douche (a.k.a. Dr. Laura Schlessinger) decided that she's an expert on using the N word. She knows when you can use it. She knows who can use it. She even knows why you voted for Barack Obama... 'cause you're black and he's "half black". Wow! This kind of dumb usually takes two douchebags but she fit it all in one. Dr. Douche goes on to chastise her caller (who is black) because the caller says she has a hard time when some white people don't recognize their insensitivity to race relations...namely her white husband. Sounds like maybe she wanted some advice on how to have a peaceful and successful marriage. But Dr. Douche decided the call was more about how she (as a fake doctor and everything) was an expert on being black and black people aren't. Holy racist.

Wait a sec... let's back up. Is she or isn't she a doctor? Well the DOUCHEBAGS DAILY research team just handed us this note hot off the interwebs... The Answer: Yes she is a doctor, but her doctorate is in the biological Physiology, not Psychology. You know where they study things like this...

Makes perfect sense right?

We don't know about you but we at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY love to be told what to do. Just ask our office stylist. Just the other day she reminded us that it's a good thing to boycott Target because not only are they so homophobic that they give tens of thousands of dollars to fight LGBT equality but their clothes suck too. Good tip office stylist. But we digress.

Dr. Douche has apparently apologized on her website but see we at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY really believe ('cause you know she's been a douche now for a very, very long time) that her true colors came out today. Dr. Douche you really are fascinating with all your bullshit explanations on feminism and how LGBT folks are misguided - memba how we protested outside Paramount Pictures when they wanted to give you a show on the tele and then they realized we were right and you are way wrong. Douchebag! Listen to the exchange HERE >>>

Right? What a douche! I mean how many people do you know have a whole website devoted to STOPPING you from doing what you do. Dr. Laura does.

We can't help ourselves. She's the only Dr. Douche we know. So therefore, let it be known, here on the interwebs and throughout Doucheville and all it's suburbs, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY! Hey! Congrats girl!

Friday, August 6, 2010

August 6, 2010 FRIDAY FUN DAY

Lord this was a big week for douchebaggery. But as always on Friday our douchebag by-laws require us to scour the interwebs for the bestest, coolestest and funniestest videos of all and share them with you our loyal 8 viewers to make you smile and laugh. Today we felt like celebrating the human spirit. Not really. We just want to share a really cool-ass video with you.

You've heard of Parkour or PK as the kids call it? It's described this way "Parkour is the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one's path by adapting one's movements to the environment." Thanks Wikipedia you're so informative.

Today's cool-ass non-douchey video comes from our friends at TODAY'S BIG THING. Watch as these two kids perform Parkour better than most anyone we've seen in a long time (we have a secret fondness for PK). Remember there are no camera tricks or wires here. They're just amaaaaaaaazing athletes. Enjoy and be amazed.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

August 5, 2010 Senator Jeff Sessions

We've been gone for a few days but we're back with a bang! This is really exciting. For the first time in DOUCHEBAGS DAILY's long several week history, we have our first Double Douchebag in Repug Senator Jeff Sessions. The junior Senator from Alabamy is a ranking member on the Senate Judiciary Committee and an all around douchebag. Today he was in full southern, white-man, old-fogey, bigot form. At one fell swoop this douchebigot blasted both Elena Kagan and Judge Vaughn Walker two douchey moves in one. That's right our fellow Amurachans, he's desperately trying to tie all judges he doesn't agree with personally, together by calling them GASP progressive and GASP and we quote "the kind of judges to advance the law that might be better for the country." Oh my Gawd! Can they do that? Make the country better? Watch the astonishing video of his Washington Unplugged interview HERE and stick around to listen to former Clinton aide Richard Socarides with some truth-tellin'. But before we get too far into it we think there is an important point we need to make. One that is really pertinent to this discussion. Jeffey's middle name is Beauregard, making his full name Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III, it's a nice civil rights sounding name isn't it? We're not making this up. It's not a joke. We wish we thought of it. But his Mommy thought of it first. So from here on out we'll call Senate-bigot Jeff Sessions "Beauregard" if that's ok with you. It is. Cool thanks.

So anyhoo Beauregard is one of those rare gems in the Senate who, you know, might think blacks should drink from over there and whites should drink wherever the fuck they want to. He's the kind of guy that thinks he would make a better judge than anyone else because he knows what's best for white Amerikkka we mean America. In fact there were a time not that long ago back in the day when he wanted to be a US Federal Judge himself. He prolly thought about it while sittin' a spell in his favorite ole' whites only watering hole and said to himself, I reckon I could do that there. Problem for ole Beauregard is that the Senate Judiciary Committee way back in the 80s said NOPE YOU CAN'T. Watch this video from last year from liberal commie, left-wingnut, lesbian agenda pusher Rachel Maddow and see what you think. It's real informative like. We'll talk to you more after the jump.

Good stuff right. We love us some Rachel. How'd she get so smart anyways? She prolly went to a good school or sumthin' Maybe Beauregard could like learns sumthin from her and shit. Anyhoo we digress. Here's the thing about Beauregard, while speachifying on the Senate floor today he tried to somehow tie the confirmation of Elena Kagan and Judge Vaughn Walker's historic ruling yesterday, together. He apparently thinks that if liberal judges like Vaughn Walker get to overturn the vote of 7 million Californians than the liberals will somehow take over the country and racists like him will have to find another job. 'Cept Judge Walker is anything but a liberal. He is in fact a conservative, appointed by a conservative President, who happens to agree with one of the most conservative people on the planet (Ted Olsen) that "Equality and Justice for All" means ... well FOR ALL. Not just for some. Not just for Beauregard's friends. Not just for Christians. Not just for purty ladies with big Easter hats, their Catholic husbands and deep pockets that can try and buy elections. True conservatives, who believe the gubment should stay the hell out of our personal lives and out of our churches, also believe that when you say something and engrave it on the friggin' Supreme Court, it should prolly mean somethin'.

Beauregard is in good company. After yesterday's historic ruling by new American Hero and protector of constitutional law, Judge Vaughn Walker, (Read the full legal ruling HERE) the doucheroaches came out of the woodwork to try and blast him, blast homos, or anyone who likes homos and anyone who believes in real American equality. Douchebags like Beauregard like to try and politicize this issue because they think it has more steam... or enough to get them through the 2012 election anyway. And they're doing all they can to perpetuate the lies and hate speech that somehow the LGBT community is less worthy of the rights bigots like Beauregard enjoy. Beauregard isn't as bat-shit crazy as some but here's a little quote from one of Beauregard's favorite organizations. The so-called Family Research Council posts this explanation on their website (we ain't gonna link you there 'cause we don't want them getting any hits but if you must google their shit) under title "The Slippery Slope of Same-Sex Marriage they make this comparison to loving, giving, healthy LGBT families...

"A Man and His Horse

In what some call a denial of a basic civil right, a Missouri man has been told he may not marry his long-term companion. Although his situation is unique, the logic of his argument is remarkably similar to that employed by advocates of homosexual marriage.

The man claims that the essential elements of marriage--love and commitment--are indeed present:"She's gorgeous. She's sweet. She's loving. I'm very proud of her. ... Deep down, way down, I'd love to have children with her."1

Why is the state of Missouri, as well as the federal government, displaying such heartlessness in denying the holy bonds of wedlock to this man and his would-be "wife"?

It seems the state of Missouri is not prepared to indulge a man who waxes eloquent about his love for a 22-year-old mare named Pixel."

That's right. The nut-job douchebags think Gay Marriage is just like wanting to marry a horse. Makes perfect sense right? One group wants to be able to enjoy the same right any loving couple and family have, the other wants to... marry a horse. Sure we see the connection.

See these douchebags are going to use every lie, trick, filthy douchebaggery they can to try and paint LGBT people as evil and immoral. And why are thy working so hard to do this you ask? Well we're glad you did. Because they need somehting to fuel their otherwise failed political party. The Repugs remember, dragged us all into this horrific mess we call a Recession. After 2000 when JUDGES APPOINTED BUSH our President, he and his cronies proceeded to drag our asses into so much debt that now your dollar is worth about as much as Michelle Bachmann's modeling career. So they need something to excite the masses to get their minds off the hell hole these douchebags put us in and on to something they can rally around... like hating gay people. So the more douchebags like Beauregard can demonize us the better chance he has to control Congress. Are you following us? Basically it's the ole' bait and switch except it's more gay and switch. Beauregard and douchebags like him all over the country are spinning Vaughn Walker's ruling and the Elena Kagan confirmation into no less than the end of the world ... unless you give them money and put them in power so they can save us by giving billionaires more tax cuts and destroying the middle-class. Check out this doozy from NOM nutjob Maggie Gallagher, she called Judge Walker's ruling "Soviet-style". Really? They had Conservative judges in Soviet Russia who were willing to break from the extreme douchebags of their party and favor the constitution. I don't remember that. But anyway she must be right because she looks like this. We're all over the place with this post but you get the point. You don't? OK let us clear it up for you. See there are a whole bunch of douchebags out there and today Senator Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY! Does that clear it up?

Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30, 2010 FRIDAY FUN DAY!

Ok so we know we're just a tiny little blog read by our close friends and mothers and we know that last week we announced a tradition here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY where Friday we would forgo any douchebaggery and concentrate instead on funny, loving, non-douchey videos in honor of the coming weekend. Well today is going to be a teenie-tinsey little different. Observe two videos for your viewing pleasure.

The first is the very NOT douchey Representative Anthony Weiner ripping Republicants a new one for voting NO on a bill that would have provided free health-care for the 9/11 first responders. You know, the people that ran into a burning, crashing, smoking, exploding building TWICE to save our assess. Yeah, the Republicants don't care that they risked their lives and are now facing all kinds of unexplainable illnesses due to being at Ground Zero and desperately need health-care. I'll let the Congressman explain. You will love this video just below. Underneath that video, well it's called "The Deer Stole My Wife" I'll let you watch and see. Enjoy the videos and enjoy the non-douchery and enjoy your weekend loved ones!

Representative Weiner rips Congress a new one

"The Deer Stole My Wife"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

July 28, 2010 Target Stores, Inc.

Yeesh! We like totally intended to drop the whole group/corporate thing today but then Target had to go be all douchey and shit. So what's the scoop?

Seems our friends at Target Corporate think its just fine and dandy to market to the Gays to buy their cheap designer clothes, hire the Lesbians to manage their stores and generally pander to the gay gene to drop bucket loads of money in their hundreds of thousands of stores around the world while using our hard earn duckets to fund anti-gay campaigns like that of wanna-be Governor Tom Emmer. Gasp! What! Huh!? But I thought Target was all diverse-like and diverse oriented and inclusive and lovey-dovey. Just take a look at their FAKE and DOUCHEY website where the Chairman, President and CEO (can one person be all those things?) Gregg Steinhafel writes a pretty letter about how Target is proud of their diversity. Check it out HERE. Gross right? Wait. You didn't read it? Lazy. Well here's a quote. "At Target, diversity is much more than a goal or campaign. It’s a core value we integrate into every area of our business — from our suppliers, to our teams, to the shopping experience in our stores. We foster an inclusive culture that allows our high-performing and diverse team to drive innovation. " - Gregg Steinhafel Well maybe he's not a liar. He didn't mention that they include in their diversity, supporting the LGBT community politically. 'Cause they don't. They support bigotry and hatred. They support Tom Emmer who actively campaigns against the LGBT community and is strongly against marriage equality. You heard us. He not only campaigns against marriage equality but against evil things like LGBT couples fostering children or receiving death benefits. No really. Here's a douchey blip from the douchebag's efforts, courtesy of the Minnesota Independent. "In many instances, Emmer has tried to change language in bills to that same-sex couples cannot benefit. In a bill to create standards around surrogate motherhood, Emmer attempted to replace the word “parents” with the words “mother and father.” In a wrongful death bill this session, Emmer questioned the use of the term “domestic partner” just as he has in bills aimed at providing benefits for same-sex partners."

So why isn't Tom DOUCHEBAG Emmer our favorite douchebag today you ask? Well because we get to choose and you don't. Besides, idiot-douches like Emmer wouldn't be where they were if douche-corps like Target didn't support them financially. You see douche-spies, politicians need money to run for office, lots of money and Target gave Emmer One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND DOUCHE DOLLARS. That's a lot of Merona dresses and Converse shoes.

So what do we do now? Well if you're like this fabulous very NOT douchey Grandma, you stage a one-woman (one powerful woman) boycott. You absolutely have to, must, watch this video. It is required by the by-laws of DOUCHEBAG DAILY. Watch it now and be amazed. Right?! We told you. Great video. So you could do like she did and buy a bunch of crap made in China and then return it and tell them why. Or you could just stop shopping there altogether and phone corporate douche headquarters at 1.800.440.0680 and tell them they suck ass for giving money to people who want to stop other people from having loving families. Maybe don't use the word "ass" 'cause they're all corporatey and stuff. Just say sucks coolie. Or you could organize a local boycott in your area and show up at Tar-douche-get with signs and stuff and yell cool things like "Get your hands off our Gays!" or you know, better ones. Anyhoo, there you go getting us off topic again...

Bring out the sell-out designers, line up the Chinese workers, let's give these folks an announcement they'll never forget. Here goes. Today Target Stores, you are our DOUCHEBAG DAILY!