Monday, August 16, 2010
August 16, 2010 Representative Louie Gohmert
Some people have accused us of being mean. They say we don't like the people we poke fun at here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY. Nothing could be further from the truth. Except maybe that there is some kind of evil terrorist plot to create Terror Babies here in the USofA to be full fledged Jihadist terrorists. Um no we didn't just make that up. Clearly this is about as far from the truth as one can get. But this little diddy of a douche-statement didn't stop wackjob and Texas douche Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert from spewing, spitting, and twitching the story on AC360 the other day.
Before we get too far into our PulitHITzer Prize winning story... take a look at the video below of this guy. Anderson is really witty and this douchebag is only about oh, half as witty... we'll just say he's a half-wit. Watch the insanity as he nearly blows an artery.
Nutdouche right? Well today Gogurt decided to blame his meltdown on Anderson Cooper. The Huffington Post reports that while at the Angelina County Republican Party campaign headquarters in Texas over the weekend (we were sooooo gonna go to that but chose instead to have our eyeballs drilled out with a lemon squirting drill gun) Gogurt had this to say about his meltdown and little Andy.
"Cooper spent his time attacking my integrity in that interview because I would not give away the names of my sources," Gohmert said. "One of my sources said if anyone knew who she was that she would be killed. He did not need to know my sources and I was not going to put people's lives in danger."
Well that clears it all up right? Now not only are terror babies taking over the world, but if someone tells us who knows about this terror baby plot they'll be killed. But we got a thunkin'. Who would do the killin' Could terror teens be deployed to kill the tattle-tales on the veggie-tales? Or would they send terror turkeys. Think about it. You would never expect a turkey to kill you, would you? Genuis right? We think so. Anyhoo... This kind of nutjob doucheness is so rare that we thought we should dig a little deeper, so we put the PEEbody winning research team here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY to work. You're not gonna believe what they came up with.
Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert turns out, could actually be subpoenaed for making these claims on the House floor. Onacounta' he's all sworn in and shit and 'cause it's a threat to the sickurity of the United States of 'merika. You know he's reprezentin' the people of the 1st district of Texass so he's got to have super-inside top secret information that neither the FBI nor the CIA have - since they already said THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND OF TERROR BABY PLOT AT ALL PERIOD. Anyhoo seems if he were called to testify 'bout this Texas bullshit he would have to give up the name of his source. Then his source would have to give up the name of her killer. Then we would learn where the Terror Babies are hiding (we're guessing Toys 'R Us - have you been there on a weekend? - crazy ass babies all over the place). We would also learn of his secret source's killer. Maybe it's this little dude - he looks like he's not very happy about that haircut.
Here at DOUCHEBAGS DAILY we're wondering right about now, where the hell are all the sane politicians. Seriously... are there any left anywhere? Used to be that every once in a while a crazy-douche would come out of the woodwork to show their little (and we mean very little) head. Nowadays seems 9 out of 10 polidouchebags are complete and total freekazoid crazies.
We have a theory... and we're just guessing here... but we think there aren't any REAL citizens left representing us over yonder in D.C. We're thinking if you're reading this that maybe just maybe you should think about running for office. No, really. Otherwise you know what's gonna keep happening? We're gonna keep saying things like this...
Today Representative Louie "Gogurt" Gohmert, you are our DOUCEBAG DAILY! Watch out behind you Louie! It's a toddler in their terrible twos - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!